Stupidman,Gets,Colonoscopied,O health Stupidman Gets Colonoscopied

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Other than being Stupidman, I am probably a typical 50 yearold male. By that I mean I have a strong preference to avoid personal medical issues.My philosophy is if I feel ok I am. If I have a headache Itake something, if the headache persists I take more untilthe headache goes away. If I get a sinus infection or strepthroat I go to a clinic, pay cash, get some antibiotics, take them, get well.Until two weeks ago I had perfect cholesterol (never tested), a fine prostate (never checked) and was quitecontent in relying on the premise that ignorance is bliss.On the horizon, storm clouds were brewing, soon to impactmy sunny disposition.Women are much more accepting of the poking, prodding andvarious tortures that are administered behind the closeddoors of medical institutions. It starts when they areteenagers and never ends. Men, on the other hand, are lowmaintenance. Women are envious of the male circumstanceand patiently wait until we are either struck down by afreak occurrence like illness or we turn 50.Fifty is one of those magical years like 18, 21, 30, 40,or 62 but the only thing positive about turning 50 is thealternative of never becoming 50. Health and life insurance go up, you become eligible to join AARP and themedical community says you are no longer on warranty.Mrs. Stupidman not only undergoes regular maintenancecheckups but she is also a nurse and a respiratory therapist. She constantly harps over my occasionalcigar smoking but increased the pressure after I turned 50by bringing up the subject of a colonoscopy. What?!?! Noway!!!Three months into the colonoscopy harangue a younger, malein-law (a fireman, no less) finally went to see a doctor about the red liquid that kept appearing in the toiletprior to flushing. Turned out he had cancer of the colonand currently carries a portable toilet in his pocket.Knowing that he and I share no genetic material I wasprepared to dismiss this as a freak occurrence. Unfortunately, I am married to a pit bull who ultimatelywrests a promise out of me that if I observe red fluid I will submit to the physical abuse inflicted by the appropriate specialist.My promise was made in good faith but subject to interpretation. Everyone knows that ingesting a red food or drink item during the previous week could manifest itselfin the toilet and should not be counted towards the promise.All was well until I was sharing liquid libation with mybrother-in-law and we somehow started making drunken jokesabout our perception of the invasive nature of the procedure. We agreed that occasional coloration was no bigdeal and that anything less than a pint was no cause foralarm. Unfortunately, our conversation was overhead and mylife was permanently altered.Divorce is expensive and I can't afford to do it a secondtime so I made an appointment to see the doctor listed forme on Mrs Stupidman's medical insurance. The doctor thoughthe should meet me before he referred me to the actualperpetrator. As I still had hope that the initial appointment might not result in a referral I took a gift ofa bag of home grown tomatoes.The doctor thanked me for the tomatoes, advised me that he had a colonoscopy recently and was clearly not sympatheticto my plight nor amused by my clever answers to hisquestions. "How's your cholesterol?" "Perfect." "Huh?""It's never been checked." "Oh, Nurse Ratchett will drawblood after I'm done with you.""Have you had your prostate checked?" "Only by attractivewomen, ha ha." "Drop your pants, bend over, the further youbend the less discomfort you'll feel. Feels okay to me."Well, that made one of us.I found this back door examination of my prostate to be veryunpleasant and it did nothing to improve my attitude abouthaving a colonoscopy. After I gave a blood sample I wenthome and took a long shower.I guess many potential victims change their minds. I base this on the speed in which I was scheduled. I was on thetable within ten days.The day before the "invasive procedure" I had to drink a gallon of "Go Lightly" (what a misnomer, Go Explosivelywould be more accurate) and avoid solid foods. During a six hour period I drank and discharged the gallon plus thecontents of my gastrointestinal system. After the firsthalf dozen visits to the bathroom (there were a total of23) I would drink the evil potion within a few feet of thebathroom door. (Don't plan on any other activities whiledrinking this stuff.)I was emptied with twelve hours to go before my appointment at the hospital. Continuing the fast was no problem as mysoreness had convinced me I never wanted to eat again.No liquids after midnight. No coffee in the morning! Lost8 pounds and had to be at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. Thehospital requires you to bring an adult, ostensibly to driveyou home, but I suspect it's really so you'll show up. (MrsStupidman, happily, volunteered to accompany me.)Every nurse, receptionist, orderly, armed guard and doctorassured me that the purging was much worse than the procedure. It might have been more convincing if one of thenurses had not asked me about my religious affiliation (lastrites).Sat around for an hour before changing into one of thosestupid hospital gowns. An I.V. was stuck in my hand, anoxygen tube stuck up my nose and sensors stuck on my chest.The doctor walked in and talked to me for a minute or two.I opened my eyes and was in a different room.That was it. It was over. I had no pain. I was a littlegroggy and had missed out on two hours of my life. I wastold I sang a song or two during the procedure but I don'tremember anything. They said they found a polyp and cut itout (polyps sometime become cancerous but mine turned outto be benign). I got dressed, went home, watched part of a movie then used my riding lawnmower for two hours.The only evidence I had that anything happened was my buttwas greasy.Because they found a polyp I'm supposed to go back in threeyears. Big deal. The worst part, other than the first doctor giving me the prostate exam, is cleaning yourselfout the day before.From what I understand, colon cancer is very preventablebut pretty incurable if you ignore symptoms and let itget a big headstart.With hindsight (I can joke about it now), I probably shouldhave done it a couple of years ago when I first rationalizedthe occasional redness in my stool. I know my niece, thefireman and their children wish he had it checked out a fewyears earlier.If you want more information, send a blank email to [email protected]