Survival,Guide,for,the,Holiday family Survival Guide for the Holidays

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How to Have the Most Fun Possible with Your Family!Does your father act like an attorney, interrogating you as ifyou were a defendant on the witness stand? Is your mother-in-lawthe master of the subtle put down? Are you the roasted turkeythey carved up for dinner?You love your family-yet dread the holidays because you knowthat, following the usual holiday debacle, the main thing you'llbe thankful for is waving goodbye to Mom and Dad, knowing youhave a year to recuperate.How do you duck the potshots coming at you about your choice offriends, lack of a career, and the way you dress, spend money orraise the kids? How do you avoid the traditional land mines ofreligion, politics and sex? How can you be honest with yourrelatives and not dig your own grave? What kind of groupactivities can you get the group to do that won't lead to WorldWar III? How can play, fun and spontaneity help you run thefamily holiday gauntlet? How do you put on the charm-and not thepounds-at the dinner table?Why not change those exhausting holiday dynamics by taking somehelpful tips from Relationship Expert Keith Varnum?Here are some simple strategies that will not only help you tosurvive the traditional family holiday visit-but actually enjoyit!PREPARING FOR THE VISITThe Boy Scout's motto, "Be prepared!" has never been morehelpful than when going to visit the family at the holidays!Enlist AlliesForm alliances with brothers, sisters and other relatives whoare sympathetic to your plight. Agree to run interference foreach other when criticism comes flying across the dinner table.Hold mock question and answer sessions with your allies topractice gracefully fending off the slings and arrows.Prepare for Cross ExaminationGet your answers ready for the questions you know are comingabout sensitive or touchy subjects. Have a ready response forthe inevitable "Do you have a well-paying job?" "When are yougetting married?" and "Are you eating enough?"Know Who You're Dealing WithBrief yourself and your date/friend on the idiosyncrasies ofyour crazy uncle, your uptight aunt, your paranoid father, yourover-protective mother, your bully cousin and the off-the-wallpersonal inquiries from the young kids in your family. Realizethat holiday gatherings are a time bomb waiting to go off. Ayear's worth of pent up, unresolved tension and miscommunicationshow up at the holiday dinner table. Don't become collateraldamage!Neutralize the OppositionThe best defense is a good offense. Develop questions to askthat you can come back with to throw off your detractors. Leadthe conversation into constructive, supportive and "safe" realmsby subtly shifting the focus of the dialogue with a quickresponse from a "family-friendly" perspective.Recognize RivalriesBe on the lookout for subterranean rivalries between brothers,sisters and other relatives that might rear their ugly headsduring dinner conversations. With lightness and humor, dancearound the landmines of old grievances and competitiveness.Defuse Hot ButtonsBefore the visit, email, write or call your parents withcarefully worded personal background information that will calmyour folks' fears and pet peeves about you and your date orfriend.Create an Exit StrategyWarn your family that your stay might be cut short. Come up withsome good, socially acceptable reasons why you have to leaveearly. Have several backup exit plans ready to execute on shortnotice. Be real about how long you can handle being with yourrelatives. It's better to share fun and love with your familyfor a few hours-than boredom and hard feelings for a few days.Set Realistic GoalsShoot for simply "surviving" the visit, rather than trying toget everyone to like you and approve of your lifestyle. Betterto leave doors open to future communication than to burn bridgeswith the older generations. Some new attitudes and socialcustoms take the folks a few years of repeated exposure tobecome comfortable with. Many parents suffer from ChronicCultural Shock Syndrome.SURVIVING THE VISIT"Be of good cheer, the end is near!" You only have to dodge thebullets of family expectations once a year-and you don't have tostay any longer than you can keep on top of the ruckus. Be light-hearted, playful and flexible-and enjoy the family circus asmuch as you can!Creative Question AnsweringYou don't have to answer the question that is being asked!Subtly shift your answer to their question into a responseconcerning a related, but different question-one that you'rewilling to answer. For tips on how to answer the question youprefer, listen carefully to interviews with politicians andcelebrities.Take the FifthIf you don't feel capable of safely answering a question, tellthem you're not clear enough on the situation to give them aresponse right now. If they don't let you off the hook, developa bladder emergency or "accidentally" spill your drink onyourself. Watch cocktail party scenes in old movies for skillfulhints on how to escape any interrogation in a sociallyacceptable way.Turn the Question AroundWhen someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,simply ask them the same-or similar-question back. Or respondwith a totally different question-especially about a subjectthat you know excites them. React in any way that will throwthem off the track. To pull off this tactic, you have to usesubtle skill. Add a dash of playfulness or humor and you'll getaway with it.Take the Japanese Diplomatic ApproachIf you can't wholeheartedly agree with what someone is saying,you can respond in the spirit of the famous Japanese phrase, "Ah-So." This diplomatic response translates literally into: "So itwould appear." Without compromising your integrity, you canrespond to almost any relative's narrow-minded statement with: "I can see how you can see it that way" or "I understand how youfeel."Get Your Stories StraightMake sure you and your date/friend are giving everyone the sameinformation about the same topics. Some relatives have nothingbetter to do than compare notes on what's been said.Be Consistent"This is my story, and I'm sticking to it." Make sure all thefacts fit what your family knows about the rest of your life.The "consistency police" are usually on full alert at familygatherings.Honesty is the Safest PolicyEventually, inaccuracies and cover-ups tend to surface over time,so being truthful-to the degree that you can-will serve you inthe long run. Study the pronouncements of politicians to learnhow to express the truth in the most vague-and least risky oroffensive-way.Choose Your Words CarefullyCertain words act as trigger mechanisms activating touchy egos,raw nerves, old wounds and painful memories. Use neutral,generic words with hypersensitive relatives. Avoid overlyspecific or graphic religious, political, racial and sexualreferences. With some relatives, the generation gap can be aswide and deep as the Grand Canyon.Put Yourself in Your Parents' ShoesIn the privacy of your own mind, see if you can relate to whatyour parents' perspective might be about a given subject andadjust your response to allow the possibility of their point ofview-however rigid, shallow or intolerant it might seem to you.Pick an AgreementFind something that you can authentically appreciate about everymember of the family, and, if possible, compliment them on thataspect of their lives.Take Mental Health BreaksTake strategic time outs when you feel you're reaching yourlimit of being able to cope with family judgement and scrutiny.Go to the bathroom and splash water on your face. Go outside.Get a breath of fresh air on the porch or patio. Take a shortwalk and let the singing birds remind you that someone's havinga good time today!Volunteer to Get LostVolunteer for errands and duties that will get you out of thehouse and out of the line of fire. Disappear into the kitchen towash the dishes. Empty the garbage. Go out to pick up somethingat the store. Give someone a ride. These chores buy you browniepoints and at the same time give you the freedom and space toblow off steam from the pressure cooker of family get-togethers.Use the time to re-group and recharge your batteries.Play Social DirectorSuggest specific activities that allow everyone to happilyinteract-however superficial or contrived it might have to be.Group games, home videos, family album, tree decorating.Remember, the goal is a good time for all, not the spiritualenlightenment of your relatives!Tap the Power of HumorWherever you see an opening, use humor, play, laughter and funto keep the festivities light and flowing. The holidays are,after all, holy days-time to be spent celebrating the joy oftogetherness and the love that connects you with your family andfriends.GOOD LUCK!