The,Secret,Life,Bullies,Why,Th family The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop T

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Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at theirkids. They’ve never learned to be effective spouses or parents.Instead, they're really bullies. And the other people in those familieslive in fear—fear that they're going to be yelled at, called names, orhit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets hisway. The chain of command has been established by force, and the wholemindset becomes, “If you'd only do what I say, there'd be peace aroundhere.” So the bully's attitude is, “Give me my way or face myaggression.”Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse.I've seen many families that operate this way. I’m not just talkingabout the adults in the family, either—there are countless children whothrow tantrums for the same reason: they’re saying, “Give me my way orface my behavior.” And if you as a parent don't start dealing withthose tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problemsas they grow older.Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know?They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and bymaking people feel small. They're very negative, critical people. Thethreat is always in the background that they're going to breaksomething or call somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreedwith. Realize that the behavior doesn't start when someone is in theirteens—it usually begins when a child is five or six.Portrait of a BullyBullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source, as Imentioned, is bullying at home—maybe there are older siblings, extendedfamily members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to gettheir way. I also think part of the development of bullying can stemfrom some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability whichinhibits the child's ability to learn both social and problem-solvingskills.Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace the socialskills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school andhigh school. As children go through their developmental stages, theyshould be finding ways of working problems out and getting along withother people. This includes learning how to read social situations,make friends, and understand their social environment.Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, tosupplant those skills. So in effect, they don't have to learn problemsolving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don't have tolearn how to work things out because they just push their classmates orcall them names. They don't have to learn how to get along with otherpeople—they just control them. The way they’re solving problems isthrough brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reachesten, bullying is pretty ingrained—it has become their natural responseto any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure,frightened, bored or embarrassed.Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn't knowhow to get along with other kids, so he's usually not trying to playwith them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he's probablyalone. He's not playing soccer or kickball with the other children;he’s roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that takeplace at school on a daily basis. And whenever he's confronted with aproblem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He doesthis by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child whobullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better andmore powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid,he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feelpowerful and in control. That’s a very seductive kind of thing forkids; it’s very hard for them to let go of that power.Adolescents and Gang MentalityWhen we talk about adolescent bullying, we're entering into anotherphenomenon altogether. The reality is that many adolescents in highschool today are very abusive to each other. There are peer groups thatwill attack other kids verbally and emotionally, similar to a gangmentality. When these kids start calling other students rude names andquestioning their sexuality, it is all done to dominate and bully them.If a teen or pre-teen doesn't want to be a victim, they have to join agroup. The kids who don't socialize very well—the shy or passivetypes—often become the targets. And the threat of violence is alwaysbehind it. This trend in high school is prevalent today, and I thinkvery destructive. In my opinion, parents and school administrators whoignore the way kids abuse each other in high school are kiddingthemselves. This behavior is hurtful and harmful, and there needs to bea lot more accountability.Make no bones about it, bullying is traumatizing for kids who arethe targets. In fact, I think children should be taught about bullyingthroughout grade school. They need to learn what it means, how toresolve it, and how to deal with a bully. If this is not taught, kidswho are targets will think there's something wrong with them, and thisvicious cycle—because that is truly what this is—perpetuates itself.Kids should also be learning how to handle their impulses and controlthemselves when they want to hit, hurt or intimidate others. Unlessthere's a concerted effort to deal with bullying and bullies in school,nothing will change. It's a challenge, but I firmly believe it can bedone.1. Teach Your Children about Bullying from an Early AgeI think from a very early age, you have to teach your child what abully is. You can tell them the following (or even post these words inyour house somewhere):A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don't want to do. A bully is somebody who hits other people.A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people's property.A bully is someone who calls other people names.Then you have to set a standard that says, “We don't do that in ourhouse.” Start that culture of accountability early. Teach them what theword means, and say, “You're accountable for that kind of behavior inour house.”I think it’s also important that you talk about how to treat others.Ask your child, “How should you treat others?” And the answer is, “Youtreat others with respect ; if they don't respect you back, walk away.Treating someone with respect means not calling them names, threateningthem, or hitting them.” You can also say, “You listen to others. Youaccept others. If they don't want to play with your toys or they don'twant to share their things, you have to learn how to accept that.” Thisis not easy for kids, but they will learn. I really think children needto have the concept of bullying explained to them numerous times. Thatway, when any kind of bullying is going on, they can identify it andstop the behavior, both in themselves and others.2. Create a Culture of Accountability in Your HomeI think the most important thing for every family is to have a Cultureof Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable toyou: how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treatshis family members. When he’s bullying his siblings, don’t get suckedinto his excuses; just because he had a bad day at school does not givehim the right to mistreat anyone in your family, for example. Let me say it again: Your child is accountable to you.Don't forget, bullies often have cognitive distortions—they see theworld in a certain way that justifies their bullying. So you’llfrequently hear them blaming others and making excuses for theirbehavior. Most of the time, they really believe that stuff: theybelieve what they think, and that's what you've got to challenge. Youcan say directly, “It sounds like you’re blaming Jesse for the factthat you punched him. It is not Jesse’s fault that you hit him.”Schools should also have a culture of accountability, and I thinkthat many try. That's what detentions, suspensions and expulsions areall about—if your child breaks the rules, he should be heldaccountable, and it’s very important that you let him deal with thenatural consequences and not try to shield him.3. The Skills Your Child Needs to Learn Plain and simple, a child who bullies needs to learn how to solvesocial problems and deal with their emotions without acting outbehaviorally. Have conversations with your child where you ask, “Whathappens when other kids don't want to play your games? What do you do?What do you do when other kids have things you want and they won't givethem to you? How do you handle that? How do you handle it when youthink you're right and they're wrong and there's nothing you can doabout it?”Your child has to learn how to resolve conflicts and manage hisemotions. He needs to learn the skills of compromise, how to sacrifice,how to share and how to deal with injustice. He should also learn howto check things out, and to ask himself, “Is what I'm seeing reallyhappening? Does Jonathon really hate me, or is he just in a bad moodtoday?”Kids have got to learn how to manage their impulses. If theirimpulse is to hit or to hurt or call someone names, they have to learnto deal with that in an appropriate way. Many children and adolescentshave the impulse to hurt others—they have impulses to do all kinds ofthings. But they need to learn to handle them, and kids who bully areno exception.4. What to Do If Your Child is Bullying Others in SchoolKids who are bullying others should be held accountable at home—theyshould absolutely be given consequences for their behavior. And theconsequences should go like this: your child should be deprived ofdoing something he or she likes. So, no TV or computer games or cellphone, for example. And they also should have to do a task: they shouldwrite an essay or letter on what they're going to do next time they'rein the same situation or feel the same way—instead of bullying.It’s critical that they start thinking of other ways they can solvethis problem. Understand that they may not have any ideas, and that’swhere you have to interact with them and coach them as a parent. In theTotal Transformation Program, there's an interview process I outlinewhere parents learn to talk with their children to solve problems,rather than explore emotions and listen to excuses. If your child ishurting or bullying others, he needs to have conversations that solveproblems. He does not need or benefit from conversations that exploreemotions. Bullies tend to see themselves as victims, so theconversation has to focus on them taking responsibility for theirbehavior.I think your child's teachers should handle the process of havingyour child make amends for his behavior at school. But remember thatbullies don't stop bullying when they get home—they often targetyounger or weaker siblings. You have to be very clear if your child isbullying—be very black and white; leave no gray areas. Don't forget,your child is bullying because solving problems— talking to people andworking things out—is very hard for him. Again, your child is takingthe easy way out. We all go through the growing pains of learning howto negotiate in social situations—in fact, we may work on this skillour whole lives. There should be no exceptions for anyone in yourfamily when it comes to these skills. For a child who is using bullyingas a shortcut instead of developing these skills, you have to work evenharder as a parent to coach them on what to do.When Bullies Grow UpMake no mistake, if a child bullies, that tendency can stay with themtheir whole lives. Fortunately, some bullies do mature after they leaveschool. You'll see them get into their early twenties and go their ownway; they get married, they go to college, they start a career, andthey stop their bullying behavior.But sadly, you will also see young child bullies who become teenagebullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack ofsocial skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wivesand kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people whocall their spouses and kids names if they don't do things the way theywant them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: abully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse,property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-socialpersonality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) refers tosomebody who is willing to use aggression and violence to get his way.The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among otherthings, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriatelyin social situations.If you think your child is bullying others, it’s very important tostart working with him now. This behavior is already hurting hislife—and will continue to do so if it’s left to fester. If you expectyour child to “outgrow” bullying once he reaches adulthood, realizethat you’re also taking the risk that he may not—and that choice maynegatively affect him for the rest of his life.