Unplugging,From,Your,Ex-Spouse family Unplugging From Your Ex-Spouse

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When you're "plugged in" to the actions ofsomeone else, you typically have a strong emotional reaction. You knowthat you are right and the other person is wrong. When emotions runhigh, intelligence tends to run low. When that happens it's hard tomake good decisions or relate and communicate well with others.Youknow you're stuck in this pitfall when you are reactive and start tosee everything in absolutes -- things become black or white. The blamegame starts. Climbing up on the soap box, you pull out the laundry listof all the grievances you have against your ex-partner. You share itwith anyone who will listen. Those negative, repetitive thoughts getlouder. Ironically, the person you publicly proclaim you're "over with"ends up consuming your thoughts, time, energy, and peace of mind.Inthe breakup of an intimate relationship, you move through many layersof "disentangling." It takes time to disengage the emotional connectionand reframe the relationship you have with your ex. As author DebbieFord says, if the relationship with your ex-spouse feels difficult, itindicates there's still work to do. "We must heal our inner wounds. Ifwe don't do it, we keep fueling the conflict and the hurt."Beingnegatively affected by your ex-spouse gets in the way of being presentand available to your children. It can also be a barrier in creatingnew intimate relationships. Being hooked by your ex-spouse affects yourtone, your body language, your listening, your attitude and your energylevel. Here are some key strategies to unplugging from your ex.1.What Your Ex Thinks of You is NONE of Your Business Tohelp pull out the emotional hooks you have embedded in your psyche,please repeat after me: "What my ex thinks of me is none of mybusiness." You can choose to not take the actions of your ex-spousepersonally. When you make what other people think or feel about youmore important than what you think or feel about you, you give yourpower away. If your ex-partner didn't "get" you or respect you when youwere married, how is that suddenly going to turn around now that you'reno longer together? Focus on how you feel about yourself and what youneed to do as a way to reclaim your power. You gain so much freedom inletting go of the fantasy that your ex should behave, act, or think ina certain way. Suffering comes when your fantasy is different than thereality you're living. The ironic thing is that after you let yourfantasy go and you start taking responsibility for what you do havecontrol over, that's probably when your ex will start to behavedifferently.2.Take Responsibility for Your Reality Ultimatelyyou are only responsible for your own feelings, emotions, behaviors,actions, and thoughts. Those are the only pieces of your life overwhich you have any iota of control. If you're feeling stuck in oldpatterns with your ex, ask yourself, "How will I live a great life evenif my ex never supports, agrees with or acknowledges me?" Ask yourselfwhat you need, and then give it to yourself. If your ex is treating youdisrespectfully, what can you do to respect yourself more? Ourrelationships with our former partners often offer the biggest clues tous as to how we can move forward and take responsibility for creatingour results.3.Reframe Your Relationship with Your Ex Ifyou have children together, your relationship with your ex will need tochange from an emotional and romantic relationship to more of abusiness partnership. You are the cofounders and CEOs of the businessof raising healthy and emotionally well-adjusted children. Createstructure to your communications with schedules, agendas and respect.It's not always easy to be great coparents, yet that is a gift wellworth giving your children. If you don't have children together,reframe your relationship into an important learning opportunity andstepping stone to creating a more loving, successful relationship infuture.4.Create a Supportive Environment Isthere a feeding frenzy with friends or family wanting to engage ingossip or ex bashing with you? Initially, this may feel good to you andsatisfy any feelings of revenge that you may have. In the long run, itdoes you (and your children) no good. You actually perpetuate andstrengthen your relationship with your ex-spouse, but in a verydetrimental way that makes you a victim. Create a supportive socialenvironment for yourself. Like a snake that needs to shed a layer ofskin as it grows, you may need to shed some old friends or habits thatdon't support your growth or healing. Let people know the pity party isover and implement a "no gossip" policy.5.Don't Rely Solely on a Legal SolutionSomepeople make the mistake of relying on the court system and lawyers tohammer out a working relationship between the divorcing couple.Typically the courts view you as a "case," not as a "family." Althoughlawyers are an important part of your support team, you need to be thequarterback who's prepared to call the plays. Your lawyer can only actupon your direction. Explore alternatives to duking it out in courts,like collaborative law or mediation. Article Tags: Unplugging From, Feel About