Are,You,Letting,Your,Children, family Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You?
Raising a family can be challenging and stressful at times. However, the common goals and emotional, financial, and physical investments made can be a common bond between husband and wife. One that compliments their marriage relationship.Of A lot of women avoid wearing nice clothes when they getpregnant because they believe that they look fat or ugly. You know that theresnothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman glowing and smiling, so youshouldnt hide your body during p
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.For other articles which you are free to use, see http://www.innerbonding.comTitle: Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.E-mail: mailto:[email protected] Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret PaulURL: http://www.innerbonding.comWord Count: 695Category: ParentingAre You Letting Your Children Manipulate You? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.Rachael is the young mother of Nathan, who just turned two. Rachael is a stay-at-home mother who works part-time at home and has the help of a housekeeper five days a week. Rachael consulted with me because of her problems with Nathan.When Nathan is with David (her husband), hes fine. He adores David and listens well to him. When hes with Amalia (her housekeeper), hes fine. He loves her and plays calmly with her. But when hes with me, hes impossible. He throws temper tantrums when he doesnt get his way. He goes to sleep easily at night for David but not for me. I want so much to be a good mother and I cant figure out what Im doing wrong. I never get angry with him but sometimes I feel like throwing him across the room! I need help! Rachael, when you are with Nathan, what do you think is more important to you to get him to love you or to be loving to yourself?Rachael replied instantly. To get him to love me. I never think about loving myself. I just want him to love me. If he loves me, then I know that Im a good mother.And what does it say about you if you are a good mother?It means that Im okay,So you have handed to Nathan the job of defining your worth. He has to love you for you to be okay. What do you think is most important to David?Oh, David takes good care of himself. He really doesnt seem concerned about whether or not Nathan loves him. Hes very loving to Nathan, but if David wants to eat dinner when Nathan want to play with him, he just eat dinner and Nathan seems to accept it. If I want to have my breakfast when Nathan wants to play, Nathan has a tantrum.Rachael, Nathan has learned that he can manipulate you because you are so concerned with how he feels about you. As long as his loving you is more important to you than taking loving care of yourself, he will be able to manipulate you. This is not good for him or for you. It is too big a burden on him to have the responsibility of defining your worth. As long as your worth is attached to being a good mother, Nathan will be able to manipulate you.I can see that. Amalia is like David. If she has work to do, she just expects Nathan to play by himself, and he does. She loves him, but she is firm about what she needs to do. I can see that I give in all the time because I dont want him to be upset with me. What can I do now to change this?First of all, you need to consciously detach your worth from being a good mother. You need to do some inner work on defining your worth separately from being a mother. Your sense of worth needs to be attached to who you are your kindness, compassion, empathy, warmth, aliveness. You need to take responsibility for defining your own worth rather than making Nathan, David, or anyone else responsible.Second, you need to care about taking care of yourself as much as you care about taking care of Nathan. Nathan is a brat with you because you dont care about yourself when you are with him, so he has learned to not care about you. You are teaching him not to care about you when you do not care about yourself.Okay, I think I get this. Im really going to try to do it differently.Next week when we spoke in our phone session, Rachael reported that things had already dramatically changed. Nathan was listening to her, going right to sleep when she put him down, and seemed happier in general. His tantrums had not yet completely stopped, but they were far fewer. Rachael, too, felt happier because she was finally taking care of herself and her own needs. For the first time since giving birth to Nathan, she was having some time to herself.
Are,You,Letting,Your,Children,