Yelled,Kids,really,hadn,meant, family I Yelled at My Kids
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I really hadn't meant to yell. But the aftermathof it lay before me. My son was a wimpering messon the floor and my daughter sat statue-like onthe chair in front of me.As I sat there considering my next move, itoccurred to me that I needed to do somethingquickly.The deafening sound of silence reminded all of usthat an ugly moment had just occurred. And a voiceinside me continued to insist that my kids were atfault."OK, you two, I'm sorry I yelled like that, what adumb thing to do!" As I moved toward my son, itbecame evident that he wanted no part of me. "Getaway from me!" he shouted.I thought better of telling him not to yell at me,so I did the only thing I could think of doing."Crabby Daddy is back," I proclaimed as Itransformed my hands into pincers and crawled incrab-like fashion towards them. "I love to yell atchildren, then eat them!"My son continued to yell at me to go away, but nowhe was laughing and crying simultaneously. Mymission to undo the damage my yelling had causedwas underway. Id been able to recover quicklythis time, but I knew that this moment would beremembered for awhile.Most importantly, I wanted to remember what hadreally happened. What happened was that I wasntdisciplined. I failed to control my emotions in away that my children could emulate.Were my children misbehaving? Absolutely. Is therea part of me that wants to blame them and let themknow how badly they were acting? No question. Butthis is the part of me that serves my ego. Itshows my children how to avoid responsibility andblame others. Its not my best self.And its our best self which we must always searchfor when were with our children.Our kids dont need perfect parents, and theywont get them. But they do need parents whostrive to get better. Im reminded of the words ofEmerson, who said, When a man lives with God, hisvoice shall be as sweet as the murmur of the brookand the rustle of the corn.If in our lifetime we could speak to our kids witha voice this sweet, it would be enough.But until we reach this level, what should we doafter we yell at our kids?Here are five ideas:1.Recover quickly Recovering emotionally (orfaking your recovery) will make it much easier onyour children and show them how to be resilientthemselves.2.Apologize, but dont overdo it Its importantto say youre sorry, but dont dwell on it anddont show signs of pity. This will help create avictim of your child faster than the drop of ahat.3.Avoid finding ways to blame them Itsincredibly easy to blame your kids when youreangry. Its OK to say, When I saw you hit yourbrother I felt angry, but avoid saying, You mademe angry. Youre responsible for your ownangerteach this to your children.4.Process the incident with them Children canbe traumatized by yelling, and it helps to talkabout what happened for each of them. Ask themquestions about it and allow them a chance to talkabout it if theyd like.5.Dont beat yourself up about it You donthave to envision your kids twenty years from nowtelling their therapist how you screwed up theirlife! Kids are pretty resilient and theyllrecover, especially if you follow these steps andkeep working on yourself.While were not perfect, we can still search forthe voice as sweet as the murmur of the brook andthe rustle of the corn.It might even keep your kids out of thetherapists chair.
Yelled,Kids,really,hadn,meant,