How,Tell,People,Things,They,Do communication How to Tell People Things They Dont Want To Hear
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Whenever we face a communicationdilemma, whether we must tell our aging parents that they can no longer liveindependently or tell our best friend that her clothes do not suit her, weagonize over what to do. How do we tellpeople things they do not wish to hear?These communication dilemmas slip up onus all the time. We go our merry wayand, as if they were waiting in the bushes to ambush us, there they are. We are caught off guard. Whenever Im asked to speak about my book, Managing Sticky Situations at Work, Imasked, What is the most common situation you find? After some thought, I realized that itsthese kinds of communication dilemmas. We all commonly find ourselves in a position where we have to tellsomeone something they dont want to hear.At work, you may have to tell anemployee that his job has been eliminated. Or, you might have to explain to a board of directors that profits fellthis year. The list is endless. How we respond to these communicationdilemmas puts us either in the category of confident communicator who can sayit just right, or in the category of communication imbecile who fails at thesetests. If you think yourself inept atthese tough communication tests, you are not alone.The Say It Just Right Model gives ussome guidance. We need to pay attentionto the Three Cs: Change is within you, show Curiosity and Compassion. We need to make sure we think through thecommunication before it happensin other words, dont react. The Decision Points help us there. In addition, let me share a few more basictips: Think before you speak. This axiom may seem obvious, but how often doyou find yourself blurting something out and then wishing you had not doneso? Often we prefer not to think aboutthese communication dilemmas. In fact,we put them out of our minds because they distress us. For that reason, when the time comes to firesomeone or to report bad financial news to your boss, you wing it and hope forthe best. Put yourself in the other personsshoes. We think we understand how otherpeople are thinking and feeling, but that is one thing we can never fullycomprehend. We have to really work attrying to put ourselves in the other persons shoes. Often in workshops when people share theirfrustrations with their bosses or their co-workers, I ask them, What do youthink is going on with that person? They shrug off that question with responses like, They are just crazy.Or, They dont care about anyone but themselves. In reality, we have not really given thatquestion much thought. If you reallydont know what is going on with the other person, ask him. What a novel thought! If youve not broken down all trust with thatperson, he will tell you. And above all,do not assume that he is feeling something unless he tells you either verballyor nonverbally.Example:Do not say: Im sure youre feeling lost and alone,knowing you have to search for another job.Do say: I know this news comes as a blow to you. I sense your need to take it all in. But, before you leave, tell me what I can doto help you. Do not jump in with all your pre-fabricatedsolutions too soon. People need to takein what youve just dished out. Givethem a chance to absorb what youve said. Ask them what they want to do. Example:If you are saying to your elderly parents that theycan no longer live independently, dont say: Ive looked into the assistedliving facility nearby. Lets go tourit.Instead say: What options would you like to explore? Be prepared to offer support but do notwaiver on your initial request. In otherwords, if you are telling someone something they dont want to hear, do notbackpedal. Example:If you are telling your best friend that her clothesdo not suit her, do not say, I didnt really mean you should change yourwardrobe, I just wanted you to know that you could look really good in moreprofessional clothes. But I love whatyou wear.Instead say: When we all reach a certain age, we mustre-evaluate our clothes choices. Ifyoud wear turtlenecks instead of low-cut blouses, youd look younger and itwould better fit your image. How might Ihelp you select something for that important interview?Suggested edit: If you are telling your best friendthat her clothes do not suit her, do not say, When we all reach a certain age,we must re-evaluate our clothes choices. If youd wear turtlenecks instead of low-cut blouses, youd look youngerand it would better fit your image.Instead say: I didnt really mean you should change your wardrobe, I justwanted you to know that you could look really good in more professionalclothes. How might I help you selectsomething for that important interview?Being able to say it just right, whenyou must tell people something they dont want to hear, takes practice andpreparation. Communication is one of thehardest things we do and yet we give it very little thought. Its time to think about what you say andstrive to say it in the best way.
How,Tell,People,Things,They,Do