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"It’s not who is right, but what is right, that isof importance." Thomas Huxley"An open ear is the only believable sign of anopen heart."David Augsburger"A human being is a part of the whole called by usuniverse, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts andfeelings as something separated from the rest, akind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us,restricting us to our personal desires and toaffection for a few persons nearest to us. Ourtask must be to free ourselves from this prison bywidening our circle of compassion to embrace allliving creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."Albert EinsteinAs someone who's always been interested in andcurious about the "soft skills" that makeindividuals, groups, and teams particularlyeffective, it seems to me that empathy has gottenshort shrift in terms of just how powerful acapability it is in influencing people, buildingrelationships, getting buy-in and motivation, andcreating resilience both personally and insystems. I've also been bemused by the irony ofthat expression, as the soft stuff is the hardstuff for many of us!In working with an executive coaching clientrecently, I was asked to conduct some interviewsfor 360 feedback, and was struck by the importanceher peers and bosses placed on her being able tounderstand and hold her customers' perspectives.In fact, without actually using the word"empathy", a number of the interviewees indicatedit was a key success factor if my client wants tobe more effective in her leadership and influence,even though she is already perceived as a verycaring, people-competent director.So what are we talking about exactly? TheAmerican Heritage Dictionary defines empathy as"Understanding so intimate that the feelings,thoughts, and motives of one are readilycomprehended by another."In the emotional intelligence lexicon, empathy isthe core, critical competence of social awareness. In this context, particularly as it applies tobusiness performance and organizations, empathy isthe ability to understand other people, to takeother and multiple perspectives.It is based in taking an active interest inothers' concerns. The ability to be empathicreflects increasing complexity of perspective anddepth of understanding of others, and thus iscritical for effective leadership.Our natural tendency to see the world as we arerather than as things are limits our abilities toconnect with others and to make more appropriateor effective choices based on what's right for thewhole – be it a team, the organization, customers,or business partners. If we are not empathic toour colleagues, customers, and clients'perspectives, we will not be effective in sellingour ideas, programs, and products.Likewise, some organizational cultures value andfoster empathy more than others. At one point, Icoached in a Fortune 100 company where a commandand control management style predominated. Empathy was dismissed as a sign of weakness andmanagement failed to see the power it held indriving motivation and performance, and achievingresults.Another reason people are cautious aboutdemonstrating empathy is a fear that if I showthat I understand, care about, and acknowledge theother person's reality that means that I agreewith them, and therefore I weaken my interests. However, acknowledging another's perspective andtaking it into account, does not imply or meanthat we have to agree with them.While some folks are naturally hard wired to beempathic, anyone can develop empathy behaviors. How do you do that?- Practice listening when someone approaches youto talk and express feelings if you wouldtypically feel too busy to talk and brush themoff.- Try using open-ended inquiry, such as "tell memore about that" to make sure you understand theother person's point of view and their motivation,both in emotion and content.- Be aware of your ability to adjust your styleand approach based on the needs and style you areworking with., not only verbally but also inpara-language such as tone, pitch, volume andpace, non-verbal body language, and dress.Be aware that even those of us who are morenaturally empathic can fail to demonstrate thisability, when we're dealing with something that wehave an emotional charge or investment in.A final safety tip: If you want to demonstrate ordevelop empathy and experience its' potentialpower, you must necessarily let go of the need anddesire to be right, even if you feel and believepassionately in your idea or position. Beingright and being empathically curious just don't gotogether.(c) Copyright 2003. Manya Arond-Thomas, all rights reserved.