Love,Many,Scary,Thing,@font-fa DIY Love is a Many Scary Thing

When starting a new work at home business it is very easy to become consumed by it. We spend so much time trying to get the business up and running that we may end up becoming burned out and lose our motivation. There is so much to learn and Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in

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And nowhere else in life does the fear of rejectionshake us to our very core than in the arena of romantic love. Fear is afactor because loving others isn’t straightforward. We often forget that all ofus have different ideas about how we want to express and receive love. And ontop of that, most of us aren’t skillful in communicating clearly what we need,or creatively negotiating our differences. So to avoidall that messy, difficult communicating and the heartache that can go with it,we look for a soul mate. Someone we’re perfectly compatible with. Someone whocan read our minds.  Withouthaving to tell this sweet lover what we want, they’ll instinctively know whatit is and give it to us. This fantasy is perpetuated by romance novels andperfume commercials. But perfectcompatibility in a mate isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Searchingfor perfect compatibility in a partner simply leads to frustration and despair.Since we’re humans and not clones, any two people who get together willeventually have differences of opinion.  So being ina loving relationship that lasts a lifetime is less about finding your soulmate and more about deepening your capacities for loving and communicatingskillfully in the midst of differing viewpoints. Indeed, how compatible thetwo of you are, is less relevant than how well you can deal withincompatibility.  Cultivatinga thriving relationship hinges on how respectfully you speak, howopen-heartedly you listen and how willing you are to deepen your trust inyourself and your beloved.  When youget involved with someone, you incrementally build trust that your beloved willstick around and will always respect you. But since no human being can berespectful 100 per cent of the time and most relationships don’t last, howyou handle disrespect and rejection will dictate the depth of intimacy you’recapable of.  When you’rerejected, you feel humiliated. You lose your sense of self and your sense ofbelonging. Human beings will go to great lengths to avoid humiliation.  So in yourdrive to avoid humiliation, your fear has spawned dozens of deep-rooted fearsthat are effectively limiting your ability to be intimate with any lover. Thesesame fears can also drive you to all manner of desperate acts to avoid losingthe relationship. If yourself-confidence is shaky, your insecurity will limit your tolerance of andskills for dealing with another’s human frailty. Intentional or not, big orsmall, every breach of trust is a hill you’re prepared to die on. You’lloverreact to small offenses, find it difficult (or be unable) to mend brokentrust, and be incapable of resolving issues completely. Instead, you’ll hold agrudge. Or you’ll develop the habit of bailing out of the relationship when youhit a bump. Chain,Chain Of Love Part of theshift from just dating to having a committed monogamous relationship includes building a shared dreamfor a very specific lifestyle. It contains element of working, parenting,playing and even retirement. Building the dream creates a sense of ownership ofboth the dream and the person sharing it with you.  Many peopletreat commitment like a form of ownership. In a sense, they feel that they searchedfor and found love, they bought it with their commitment, so nowthey own love.Thus, it’s theirs to do with as they please.  But loveisn’t a thingyou can shop for, buy and sell, like a car. Love is an evolving state ofbeing that you create inside yourself and share with others. Accordingly,it’s impossible to guarantee that you’ll feel the same way and want the samethings next week, next year, or 10 years from now. In the course of humanevents, the one constant is evolution.  We don’tstop evolving until we die. But couples hope that they won’t change. The starryeyes of passion blur their vision. They don’t want to acknowledge that, sooneror later, change will happen to them. They also think that any change willthreaten their relationship. Hence, whenthe inevitable evolution occurs, they aren’t equipped to deal with it. Theiregos are invested in maintaining the status quo, so they feel abandoned andbetrayed.  Unwillingto re-negotiate the lifestyle their ego is so tied to, they reject theirpartner’s evolving truth. A common reason couples give for breaking up is thatthey want different (incompatible) things that they aren’t willing tonegotiate. They’d rather lose the relationship than the lifestyle.  Couplesdon’t go splitsville because they stop loving each other. Love never dies, butit can get buried so deeply under hurt and anger that it seems to benonexistent.  The Voodoo That You Do Part ofyour self-growth is developing the skills and resilience to thrive in anysituation. One way to do this is to honor what you’re learning, instead ofputting hexes on your exes.  Or do you believethat letting go of past hurts just excuses your ex’s behavior, effectivelyletting them off the hook for being a jerk?  Well,consider this: every affront you don’t let go of now will show up in spades inyour next relationship. Both you and the kind, sweet person you love next willhave to pay for your ex’s transgressions. And the cost of your resentments issteep. When you hold a grudge, you forfeit future fulfillment. The first stepin setting yourself free to love is dropping those 50-pound Samsonites—permanently. But it’shard to let go of your self-righteous anger, isn’t it? The difficulty inreleasing resentments cuts to the very core of what it means to be human. Yourresentments stem from the times you were humiliated. For a human being, humiliationis the most painful and unforgivable experience you can have, because you losethe power to protect yourself. You also lose your pride, your sense ofbelonging and even your sense of identity.  So to avoidfuture humiliation, logic dictates not letting anyone get close enough to hurtyou. But that’s just throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Self-protectiongoes too far when you create a globalized fear of intimacy. You shrink youremotional scale to the point that you only allow yourself to feel a little bitof joy and a little bit of pain. When youbuild your capacity to deal powerfully with rejection, your response to a minorbreach of trust will be proportionate (not bailing out). And you’ll discoverhow to adapt your responses to fit new situations. You’ll quickly repair trust,then you’ll let it go. All thewhile, you’ll be building your confidence in your ability to choose partnerswisely, build trust steadily, and love deeply. Confidence also helps youmaintain your perspective through the breakups. You will survive and love isalways worth going for. TheWisdom of the Heart  Eachrelationship you have is an opportunity to enhance your skills and learn moreabout yourself. You can make smarter choices of partners when you’ve made aneffort to learn as much as you can from what you’ve already done.  Let’s siftthrough your past experiences, panning for nuggets of golden wisdom. What didyou learn from your romantic relationships that will serve you in the future?Your learnings will fall into two basic categories: honing your relationshipskills and seeing yourself more clearly.  Therelationship skills you’ll develop could include how to: • Spotuntrustworthy behavior quickly• Confrontunacceptable behavior immediately• Set a boundaryclearly and respectfully• Disagreewithout becoming defensive or verbally abusive• Design astrong support system so you don’t get desperate for company• Bounceback from rejection with a stronger appreciation for who you are• Use youralone time to your highest benefit. Yourself-discoveries could be that you: • Willtrust your gut feelings about people• Valuefirm boundaries about respect and honesty•Understand how much power you lose when you ignore or rationalize others’inappropriate and unacceptable behavior• Willnever allow yourself to become so desperate that you’ll lower your standards toavoid loneliness•Absolutely will not settle for less than the relationship you desire.  All ofthese learnings point to the most challenging aspect of romantic relationships:developing the willingness to be ever more vulnerable as intimacy deepens.However, because the fear that accompanies deep intimacy is so strong, mostpeople would rather start over with someone new than risk being rejected.  So if yourdeepest motivation is avoiding rejection, you’ll settle for superficialrelationships. But you’re not stuck with just two choices: avoid rejection orgo all-in and experience the joy of being deeply known and profoundly loved.  You candevelop the confidence that comes from making your passion your highestpriority. Avoiding rejection takes a back seat when you focus on your desire toexperience as much love as you can during your lifetime. And the morerelationships you have, the more you learn, the better you get at loving. I’m In Love With My BestFriend The driveto avoid the fear of intimacy, change and rejection causes many couples tobreak up because they lose respect for and trust in each other. They stoptreating each other as friends. It’s ultimately the loss of friendship thatspells the end of the relationship.  At theheart of friendship is trust and respect. You can’t be in a healthy intimaterelationship with someone who doesn’t trust and respect you as a friend.Nietzsche and I agree that friendship is the basis of a lasting relationship.  So when thefriendship is gone, the relationship has lost its base. At that point, you’refaced with a choice: rebuild the foundation or walk away. Many peopleimmediately bail on what could be a potentially fabulous relationship. Butbecause they walked away, they’ll never know what they could have had. Instead ofleaving, pause to consider how much time and energy you’ve invested in thisrelationship. Rather than giving up on it because you believe your partnerisn’t loving you enough, hang in there. Talk to each other. Pinpoint what’sgood about how you love each other and use it as a basis for building a betterrelationship.  Start byasking each other this fundamental question: What would make thisrelationship even better for you? Ask lots of questions about what your beloved wants andopenly share what you want, too.  Give up the fantasy that if your partner really lovedyou, they should be able to read your mind. Clearly ask for what you want andhow you want to receive it. Openingyour heart and your mind to creating new possibilities is the first step towardhaving richer, more satisfying relationships. It’s so worth it!