The,Art,Listening,Listening,su DIY The Art of Listening

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Listening is such an under-rated and highlyvaluable skill. I got a great example the other night during dinnercourtesy of my children. My 7 year old son was more interested inbothering his 13 year old sister than he was in eating. This typicaldomestic scene escalated very quickly and concluded with my sonlunging, open-mouthed and angry, onto his sister's arm. She quicklyyelped in pain and grabbed her wounded limb. I confronted him and toldhim firmly that biting is not acceptable. He insisted that he didn'tand started to get very upset. "But I saw what you did!" I exclaimed inexasperation. My son protested and stormed off to his room. I let himgo to cool off and inspected my daughter's arm. Sure enough, it was redand there were two clear moon- shaped marks in her flesh.Afterthe meal, I headed upstairs to debrief with my son and asked him toexplain what happened. He looked at me with a very sure eye, and thenproceeded to question me calmly in a way that reminded me of AtticusFinch. "Did you look at her arm? What did you see?" he asked. "I sawthat her arm was red and there were two distinct marks on her skin, oneon the top and one on the bottom," I answered easily, yet somehowfeeling my confident assessment of his guilt starting to ebb. "Mom, Idon't have just one tooth on top and one tooth on bottom. This is whatmy toothmarks look like," he replied as he gently chomped on hisforearm. I looked at the pattern and was stunned. Slowly the truthdawned on me -- my daughter had pinched herself with her nails andframed her brother! An example of sibling rivalry to be sure, but alsoan example of how our inability to listen clearly and without our ownagendas can impede our relationships.Levels of ListeningThereare different levels of listening required for different situations. Atone end of the spectrum is what I'll call "factual listening" which isneeded to successfully share and absorb basic factual information. Thisis the kind of listening you use when you ask questions like "did youbrush your teeth?" or "what time does soccer practice finish?" We'rejust looking for the objective facts so we can then make our decisionsand plans. That's the level of listening I initially gave to my son.Inthe middle of the spectrum is a deeper and more active form oflistening that is useful when problems need to be solved. A friend orchild in need comes to you to talk and asks for your advice. You listenactively not only to the facts but also to the emotions being shared.You're in problem- solving mode, so you use filters of comparing andassessing their situation with your own. You offer wisdom based on yourpersonal experience. Savvy listeners know this is a great time to pullout those "active listening skills" and repeat back or summarize whatyou've heard so that the person will feel understood and acknowledgedfor what they've said.Most people are comfortable operating inthis mode of listening, where you get to "fix" other people's issues.We'll often set ourselves up as the "helper" or the "wise resourceperson" and our agenda becomes to "fix it". The filters being used herecan be quite subtle, such as "If I show them how good a listener I am,they'll really respect me" or "There's no problem I can't solve".Atthe other end of the spectrum is a less well- developed, but vital formof listening that I'll call "holding listening". You hold and supportthe speaker by listening intently with your heart as well as your ears.Your job is not to fix or to advise. Your job is to simply support thatperson in expressing what's been bottled up inside themselves. Theexchange is not at all about you, your past experience or your views asto how the future should look. Your job is to simply be a supportiveear and opportunity for the person to express themselves.So Iinvite you all to take a new look at the art of listening and see whatshifts you may need to make to become a master at it! Healthy andstrong relationships with the people in our lives are counting on it!1.What filter or lens are you using when you listen? I had a lot offilters operating as I listened to my son's initial defence, such as"he's typically the one who pushes limits and gets unnecessarilyphysical" and even "boys get into trouble more than girls". I hadalready assumed, assessed and concluded the entire altercation beforethe boy could even utter one word of explanation! Take a look at whatoperating assumptions you typically hold of people you have in yourlife - your spouse, your children, your boss, your family. Write themdown so you can see them with some objectivity. Being able to identifythese filters honestly is the first step in being able to listen morefully.2. Decide what level of listening is required in thiscircumstance. Make a decision as to what level of listening is bestsuited to the situation. Are there strong emotions involved? If yes,then a deeper level of listening that engages your heart as well asyour auditory system is more appropriate than a cursory fact-basedlistening level.3. Clarify the expectations. How many of us havehad the experience where all we wanted to do was vent a bit, butinstead got even more irate that someone was more interested in"fixing" us than really listening to how we were feeling? That kind oflistening usually ruptures relationships, rather than builds them. Atthe start of the communication, you can clarify any expectations bysimply asking "How can I best support you? Do you want my advice or doyou want me to simply listen to you while you work this through?"4.Listen to some feedback. This may sound like an intimidating step, butit's invaluable to get some feedback for yourself. Are you a listenerwho always wants to fix up problems? Are you a listener that loves tohear yourself talk? Are you a compassionate listener that can go withthe needs of the person you're speaking with? Identify 2-3 people youtrust and let them know you're interested in learning more about howeffectively you listen and that you'd appreciate their honest input.Ask them to give you 1-2 things they appreciate about how you listenand 1-2 things they would like you to do more of in the future to makeyou an even better listener.5. Are you listening to you? If youaren't able to listen effectively to others, chances are great that youaren't doing a great job of listening to yourself either. Notice howwell you listen to your physical body, your heart, your passion, yourintellect. Do you give yourself sleep when your body is tired? Do youignore that inspiration to take some time out to sketch those daffodilsbecause you've got a busy day already planned? As you learn to listento yourself and follow- through appropriately, you'll find yourlistening to others in your life will take a dramatic turn for thebetter!